All I Can Do is Try
by lushlover
Summary: Set in New Moon, no cliff diving, Edward doesn't return. I'm sick of weak pathetic Bella who can't make up her mind about anything. This is a Bella and Jacob story, but I'm not really sure how it will end or where it's going just yet...
1. Chapter 1

As we walked out of the theater, laughing and talking about the movie I realized that I hadn't really laughed in so long. It almost felt wrong. It was like my cheeks had lost all muscle tone and were straining with the effort. When Angela had come over, and basically dragged me out of the house I didn't expect to actually enjoy myself, but here I was, two hours later feeling almost human again.

Angela spoke, breaking me out of my inner dialogue.

"Come on Bella! First rule of Zombieland: Cardio...I'll race you to the car!"

I chased after her, laughing and stumbling all over myself. I still couldn't stop giggling over the fact that the first movie I went to see in months was about zombies. Apparently the universe has a really good sense of humor. By the time I got to her car I was out of breath and could feel the burn in my legs. I guess all of that wallowing in my own self pity didn't do anything for my fitness level. Angela was totally fine, singing along with the radio softly in the driver's seat.

"Geez Bella, are you okay? ... get in the car already!" she said laughingly

"Sorry that I'm not a runner like you Ang."

I could see Angela thinking about something, fiddling with the zipper on her purse.

"It's hard to run when you never leave the house..."

My jaw dropped but I quickly snapped it shut, she was right after all.

"I'm sorry Bella...I have no idea what it must be like for you, with Edward leaving and all. I shouldn't have forced you to come"

"It's okay. I mean, I'm just, well ... I...Thanks actually. That's what I'm trying to say...thank you for getting me out tonight. I've actually been thinking I needed to do this. To be out in the world again."

"Oh, well, I'm glad. I was worried you might get mad at me or something!"

"No, you're too nice to get mad at...so...can we just...let's just not talk about any of this anymore okay?"

True to form Angela moved along to new topics without missing a beat. She was such a good person and I was glad to have her as a friend. I could tell she didn't hold my withdrawal from society against me. She understood.

The next morning I woke up late, exhausted just from the effort it took to be a social being again. I couldn't sleep very well last night. I kept having strange dreams. For so long I dreamt about the day that Edward left me, and the blinding pain that followed...but over the past few weeks those dreams were coming less and less and now new ones were taking their place. I couldn't really make sense of them. It was like having scenes of my life played back to me from a different angle.

"Bells! You up yet?"

"Yea Dad I'll be right out!"

Glancing at the clock I realized I only had 30 minutes to get to work. After racing through my shower, getting dressed and grabbing a granola bar I made it 2 minutes early. The store was slow all day, which meant that I was stocking shelves. Normally this made the time spent at Newtons drag on incredibly slowly, but today I was lost in my dreams from the past few weeks.

The Bella in my dreams was having doubts about Edward, which was just crazy. Literally insane, Edward was always so absolute in his love, there was no room for doubts in my mind. It was like my relationship with him was being played back as a reality show, with creative editing. Trying to portray Edward as the controlling, manipulative boyfriend. At first the dreams just made me angry, but slowly I started to understand my dream's point of view. It had always upset me when Edward would lie to me, to protect me. I hated that he treated me like a child, but I always saw it as selfless of him...but then again, he did leave me here. To die alone, wasting away in my emptiness. I never really truly believed we could be together forever. He was amazing and perfect and I was plain, clumsy, boring Bella. That didn't stop me from loving him, from hoping for forever.

I would never admit it to Edward but I felt guilty about asking him to change me. As much as I loved him, I never really meant it when I asked to be changed. It was just my only hope of showing him how much I loved him. But now...when I saw the hurt, scared look in Charlie's eyes while he watched me retreat into myself, I wondered how he would have dealt with me disappearing forever. If he was that upset about my emotional pain, how would he handle my absence? What about Renee? I knew she would be worried sick, frantic and anxious about my whereabouts. In some ways I could see that silver lining in Edward ripping my heart to shreds...at least I was the only one heartbroken in that scenario. At least my parents knew I was alive and that I could eventually move on.

I decided that day, among the hiking boots and sleeping bags that I needed to really try. I needed to claw my way out of this hole I'd been hiding in. Edward obviously wasn't coming back. None of the Cullens had contacted me at all. It had made Charlie so happy to see me going out with Angela, and even though she was the nicest person I'd made friends with it was still a little weird hanging out with her. It seemed like she was waiting for me to have a nervous breakdown. A legitimate fear, but nonetheless it made it awkward. So when I got home and Charlie said he was heading down to La Push to see Billy I asked if I could tag along.

"What? You want to go to La push with me?"

"Yea, guess I do dad."

"Well, alright Bells, lets go."

It had been months since I had been to La Push. Jake had called a few times but when I didn't answer he stopped trying. I knew he had always had a crush on me, but he was younger than me, and while I enjoyed spending time with him I never wanted to lead him on so I kept my distance. Still though, as we pulled up to the little red house I found myself smiling at the prospect of seeing the Blacks. Jacob always could make me forget about the world and just have a good time.

When I stepped out of Charlie's cruiser I didn't notice the huge rock that we had parked next to, and in typical Bella fashion I stepped right onto it. I felt my ankle turn and knew I was about to fall over, but just before I hit the ground I felt someone catch me. Someone with really warm, really large hands. It had been so long since anyone had touched me, and even longer that it had been a warm person that it was a jolt to my system. When I looked up I saw Jacob's face smiling down at me.

"Walk much Bells?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Clean much Jake?"

Looking aroung I noticed that there were chunks of cement all over the place. The walkway into the house was demolished.

"I'm putting in a ramp for my Dad, the old one was disintegrating so I thought it was time to make a real ramp for him."

"Oh, that's nice of you."

Jake was always doing his best to take care of his father. We had that in common I guess. My Dad may not be in a wheelchair but he was pretty useless in the kitchen, and my mom was more of a child than I ever was. It made me feel good though, to have a purpose, people who depended on me.

Suddenly I noticed Jake still had his hands on my waist so I pulled away, not wanting to mention it. It was better if no one touched me, no one reminded me of affection, it made it easier to keep moving forward, and I knew how easily I could just slip right back into despair. I was determined though, to stay strong and fight off anything that could make me weak again.

I could see my uncomfort didn't go unnoticed by Jacob, but he mercifully didn't try to talk about it.

"So, do you need me to help you get in the house, or do you think you can navigate the minefield?"

"I think I can handle it..."

Thankfully I did make it in without tripping again. I could feel Jacob's eyes on my back and was relieved when I could shut the door on his watchful gaze.

"Hey Bella! Long time no see! How are you?"

Oh Billy, he will always have a soft spot in my heart. He was always like a second dad during my summer visits to Forks.

"I'm okay Billy, how about you? The house looks good."

Looking around I noticed that they had made some changes to it recently. This house had looked the same my entire life, but it had been hard for Billy to get around after the accident. I noted the ramps to replace the step up into the kitchen, along with a few other little details.

"Yea Jake's been fixing a few things, trying to make it easier on me for while he's gone."

"Where's Jake going?"

"Oh, it's just a tribal thing, the sons of elder's need to learn the tribe history, no big deal. He'll be gone all of April."

"Oh okay...doesn't he have school though?"

"The rez school knows about it, he's doing extra work there to be caught up. "

That's when I heard Jacob come back in the house. He seemed to have grown into a man during my hibernation. He practically filled up the door frame. It was strange to see him looking so adult like. He still had those dimples though, the same ones that made little old ladies fawn over him when we were kids. His hair was the same too, long and wavy and so much prettier than mine.

"Don't worry about me Bella, I'm smarter than all those kids at the rez school...more handsome too."

He winked at me and laughed.

"And so humble...you might want to lay off the steroids though, pretty soon you'll just be covered in acne and having roid rage." I warned.

"Ahh Bells, don't be jealous of my hot body"

I could see the twinkle in his eye that said he was happy I had noticed his growth spurt. It was pretty incredible how much he had grown, but I hadn't seen him in months. It wouldn't have been so dramatic if I hadn't lost all that time...all because of Edward. It still shocked me how much heartbreak had phyically hurt me. My chest was sore, and I would wake up with headaches in the morning. I didn't care about food or anything else for a good few months. I knew I needed to stop this train of thought or my night would be lost in pain and memories again. Charlie and Billy had found a game to watch and Jacob had gone to shower off all the grime and dust from demolition. I figured I would make myself busy in the kitchen. I doubted these boys had had a real meal in a long while.

The kitchen was pretty well stocked, and I lost myself in the methodical chopping, mincing and sauteing. I was making chicken parmesan. It was one I knew by heart and one of Charlie's favorites. I hadn't made it in forever, mostly because Italian food reminded me of the Cullens. They had made me Italian food the first time I met them. Shaking my head to rid myself of that mental picture I focused once more on watching the onions sweat. While the sauce was coming together Jake sauntered in and grabbed some beers from the fridge.

"Whoa there young man, you drink beer now?"

"Calm down killer, they're for Billy and Charlie, no idea how I ended up as beer bitch tonight but whatever."

It seemed that his mood had soured during his shower. It was foreign to me to see Jake in anything but a great mood, he was without fail a happy person, always cracking jokes and flashing those dimples. But he wasn't smiling and he didn't even have a comeback for me calling him young. It always got under his skin that he was younger than I was, but he let it go tonight. I didn't really know what to say in response so I just didn't say anything at all. Jake went to the living room and I finished up dinner.

"Dinner is ready whenever you are!" I shouted towards the living room.

It didn't take long for them to all come in and fill up their plates.

"This is great Bells, Jake isn't much in the kitchen you know, it's nice to have something that didn't come from a box." Billy gave Jake a lot of crap but I knew he felt bad that his son had to take care of him. I think he joked about it just to keep himself from feeling down. Jake just shrugged at the comment, eyes fixed on the game.

I ended up falling asleep in my chair, nothing like sports to help me pass out. Charlie woke me up to tell me it was time to go home, but I was already asleep again by the time I had fastened my seat belt.

I woke up around 4am, wide awake and raring to go. That's what happens when you fall asleep for the night at 7pm. I thought about emailing Renee, but my computer sounded like a dying go kart when I started it and I didn't want to wake Charlie. I tried to read but just couldn't lose myself in any of my books. I had read them all so many times already. Finally I gave up and went to go sit on the porch. It was the place where I got my best thinking done, never too quiet out there with the wind through the trees and the early morning birds singing to each other. Jacob was on my mind. He had made an appearance in my dreams last night. It really had unnerved me to see him down. I vowed to try and be a better friend to him. He had always had close friends on the rez but there seemed to be pressure on him to be better than the others, simply because he was the son of Billy Black. I knew that pressure all too well being the child of the Police Chief.

I was starting to get really cold out here, it was unseasonably warm for late February, but unseasonably warm in Forks is still basically freezing cold. Heading back inside to make some hot chocolate sounded like a great way to start the day.

After showering and finally emailing my mom I decided I should just call and see what Jacob was up to. Part of me wanted to know why he was upset last night, and the other part knew that sitting in the house alone while Charlie was at work was a dangerous place for my heartbroken self to be.

Billy answered on the 3rd ring.

"Hey it's Bella, is Jacob around?"

"Yea, he is, hold on one second."

"Hello?"

"Hey Jake, it's Bella."

"OH! Hey Bells!"

I could practically hear him smiling through the phone. Whatever was bothering him last night was obviously gone now.

"What are you up to today? Charlie's working but I had the day off so..."

"Well I was going to work on the walkway this morning but if you wanted to hang out this afternoon that's cool."

"Sure Jake, that sounds great, I'll come over around 2 if that's okay."

"Sure sure, see you at 2."


End file.
